Defensive Driving and Other Good Choices

Life is the sum of all your choices.

  ~Albert Camus

Have you seen the car commercial where they simulate a crash and, upon impact and airbag deployment, the driver turns off the ignition, turns on the hazard lights and unlocks the doors – disaster averted!  It’s slowed down to about 30 seconds of viewing but probably equates to 3 seconds in real time. The assumption being that in 3 seconds - a heartbeat, a blink of the eye  - actions were taken that saved this man’s life.  Of course, the selling point of car in the commercial is that it comes equipped with these safe guards, its computers churn into action should an impact occur, so no human action – or thought - is required. 

We humans have to rely on our own good sense to prevent crashing into obstacles, though.  We have to mentally, and sometimes physically, turn off the knee jerk, old tape, ego based reactions to things that press our buttons, or are destructive to our or others’ happiness or well-being.  Though unlike the car in the commercial that automatically switches to safe-mode when things are going wrong, gratefully, we do have the capacity to override our human tendencies…it’s called choice.

The car commercial images flashed in my mind the other day when I found myself crashing into a situation with a guaranteed bad outcome. So, like the man in the commercial, I made some quick choices: I turned off the fuel….the presumptions and judgments in my head;  turned on the hazard lights … caution, caution …. stepped back, slowed down, took a deep breathe; and unlocked the doors …made the choice to exit gracefully.  Disaster averted – no casualties – no dark cloud hanging over the rest of the day/week.  3 seconds and nobody got hurt!   

Of course, it doesn’t always go that way.   Sometimes my awareness/reactions are dulled by the heat of the moment and I pass, what I USED TO THINK is, the point of no return.  However, I’m learning that even when things seem to be speeding toward impact, I can still choose right action and avoid the crash.  When caught up in an escalating argument or disagreement, I can choose to take a time out, I can choose not to fuel the fire by being honest about my motives, I can give up my need to win, I can simply say, “let’s stop.” 

On the road defensive driving serves us well.  So it is in life, too.  By being aware, by practicing respect and courtesy, by recognizing the “danger zones,” we can avoid both fender-benders and big crashes.

Drive safely!

Dorothy

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Dorothy:

The conversation at the yoga studio had turned to grousing and grumbling about the weather, when quietly a fellow student said, “But just think how much we’ll enjoy our beautiful tulips in July.”  The “vibe” in the room changed instantly, and I was reminded of the sentiments of our last blog.  How quickly we can change things by what we say.  By the expressions on all our faces, it was clear we had just shared an ah-ha moment.  Somewhat embarrassed to have been caught, as innocent as the “catching” was, spewing negativity out into the space; we were also delighted by the reminder of the extraordinary duality of our wonderful mountain environment.  With just a few thoughtful words the perspective, and the mood, of the other eight women in class had changed, and, in spite of the snow pelting the windows, I’m sure there were visions of beautiful tulips above all our savasana (relaxation) mats.  And, all was right with the world again!  Thank you Kathy.

Susan will not be joining me here this week as she is finding that life is, indeed, BUENO in beautiful, balmy Cabo!   I wish you inspiring sunrises, and peaceful sunsets my friend!

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Having Conscious Conversations

It’s not what you say, but how you say it
that conveys the message most clearly.
Author Unknown

We all regularly have many opportunities to get our message across with grace and dignity, and in a way that benefits us, and those we are trying to reach. We ask for help, give information, let others know we appreciate their efforts on our behalf, provide information and service. It’s not only our words, but our expression, our body language, and certainly the inflection of our voice that express our meaning. I called a service business recently; a woman who gave the standard, pleasant “good morning, XYZ COMPANY” answered the telephone. I asked for the person I needed to speak with and was told that she had just stepped out. Since I was returning an urgent message, I asked if a note could be put on her desk with my name, phone number and time I called rather than leaving a voice mail message. A frustrated sigh, followed by a curt, ‘yea,” not only relayed the inconvenience I was causing her but also told me that my return call was unimportant and without value. That brief, and unpleasant exchange, reminded me that we all have challenging days filled with requests and interactions with others that often feel like inconveniences. How we choose to respond affects not only our perspective about the service or assistance we all give to others, it also affects others’ feelings and actions toward us. Being thoughtful about what we say to people is always worth the effort.

The beautiful message passed along in the video we’ve included below shows us how simply changing our words, or our inflection, can change the impact of our statement. We hope you enjoy it. Thank you Dee for bringing this beautiful video to our attention! It has certainly sparked our interest in reconsidering our communication skills!

Last week Dorothy told us about a wonderful teaching moment she had with her son. We hope this video and the blog will provide you an opportunity for a teaching moment with your family, friends, or work partners.

Susan: This has been a week of introspection and reevaluation of the life I’ve created. I’m finding myself on edge as I consider making changes in my work life. The possibilities are exciting but at the same time change, even for those of us who usually embrace it, is always stressful. This potential change is bringing up some old, completely unrelated wounds that I didn’t expect to face again and I’m wondering why I need to revisit them. This week I’ll be working on resolutions to unfinished business.

Dorothy: The power of words was unmistakably my lesson for the week. After being so moved by the touching video Susan included in this week’s blog, (thanks again Dee!), I had the great pleasure of meeting fellow “Parkite,“ Jennifer Mulholland, whose inspiring presentation on Conscious Conversation was not only thought provoking, but clearly a call to action! Both experiences caused me to become more aware of what tumble out of my mouth. What I realized is this: much of my casual dialogue with others is automatic, predictable and usually impersonal. ….So I started changing it up. Instead of, “Hey, how are you?” I asked, “How is it going with your son’s new job?” or, “Has your cat gotten any better?” And, instead of the usual, predictable, and very vague, “Fine,” (which in my line of work often means = Fragile, Insecure, Needy and Emotional) I got, “Not so good, he thinks he might have made a mistake, “ or, “Better, but I’m still worried.” And guess what? A real, being present, conversation ensued; from which I discovered ways I could be helpful, or supportive, or encouraging. It was so interesting to see how; by simply being more conscious of my words, so much more was being accomplished. The person with whom I was speaking felt valued and so, felt able to express more of what she was feeling. And I, being trusted to hear those feelings, also felt valued, and not in such a rush to move on. Here at home, the needed adjustments were easily spotted. Isn’t it usually the people you love most who get to see/hear your icky stuff? So, I did a little experiment: How would I ask/suggest or respond/rebuff if the person on the other side of my conversation was a co-worker, or someone I just met at a cocktail party? WOW – what an eye opener and great lesson! It’s great to put down your guard, let down your hair, not be so cautious. That’s what family gives us – a place to put down the weight of the day, but we can’t leave our respect and common courtesy at the door - especially when we go home. This was a great week. It’s been a week of inspiring conversations…and I’m better for it!

We wish you a wonderful week with many opportunities to have conscious conversations!
Susan and Dorothy

A Vertical Perspective of Life

'The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking

new landscapes but in having new eyes.'

-Marcel Proust

Many years ago my eldest son discovered and, ultimately, mastered the sport/skill of rock climbing.  One day, after I was finally able to calm my own fears about this new passion in his life, I asked him, “Why?  Why do you love this, what does it bring to your life, why do you DO it??!!” 

After explaining some of the physical and mental challenges involved in conquering a 3000-foot vertical slab of granite, he went on to express how his climbing skills had become useful in his everyday life.  His words struck me like a hammer and left me with a visual that would return over and over again, helping me through my own personal challenges, and as a powerful gem to share with my grief groups, and in both cases – many ah-ha moments!

In contemplating my blog assignment this week, I asked Matthew to please share those words of wisdom again.  He thoughtfully and eloquently obliged.  Below are his words – and my “like life” comments:

 “………Climbing, for the most part, is a team sport (like life: almost every minute of the day we are called upon to find harmony in our interpersonal relationships). Your teammate, however, is primarily there for safety and can really do nothing to help you once you’ve begun climbing. In this respect, it is a very individualistic endeavor. It is up to you, and only you, to accomplish your objective of reaching the top. You must overcome the obstacles you encounter with your own skills and strengths (like life: once past the age when our parents/caregivers are no longer responsible for our nurturing and wellbeing, we are basically on our own to choose the paths - ascending or descending- our lives will take).

“They say that climbing is 10% rubber (chance) and 90% mental (choice). Essentially, the rubber on your shoes will stick to just about any edge you put it on. The real challenge is in knowing that you have the skills to pull that next move, (conviction, courage) even when you’re 500 ft. off the deck (haven’t we all felt like we were flying without a net at one time or another?). In this respect, climbing is very mental. Being pushed out of your comfort zone (the easiest, quickest way) and overcoming a challenge is very rewarding (making the right decision, doing the right thing = feels good!!!).

“When you climb, especially difficult routes (a reoccurring part of life), it demands your total concentration (consciousness, integrity). Your world, in essence, shrinks to the size of what you can physically reach with your hands and feet (being in the present moment). Sometimes, you may get stuck (mental/physical/spiritual/existential roadblocks), not able to find a handhold or foothold to make upward progress with (indecision, worry, lack of support, loneliness). This is the point at which you must focus (see the truth in the situation) the most. Your arms start to burn and your legs start to shake (fear, depression, feeling overwhelmed), but you know that there’s got to be another handhold somewhere (hope). So, you hold on and step your feet up just a bit higher, (faith, trust, inner knowing) even an inch or two (slow and steady wins the race), and more handhold options usually appear (success, right action = joy, happiness, fulfillment).

“Many times you find that you’ve gone the wrong way (bad decisions, things that don’t work out as you’d hoped/unexpected, life changes, mistakes) and that you just can’t make any progress no matter how hard you try, the holds just aren’t there (doing the same thing over and over with the same – undesired - result). When this happens you need to reverse your moves and figure out where you got off route (what went wrong and what part did you play in it). It all comes down to efficiency, you can’t waste your energy trying to go the wrong way (it takes just as much effort to choose to be miserable as it does to choose to be happy), you need to back up and try a different approach (helping things go right, taking responsibility for your actions, making amends) or you’ll never have the energy to make it to the top (a joyful, fulfilling, good LIFE).”  

Thank you Matthew for helping me remember that when life is an uphill climb - shifting my perspective, trusting my instincts, taking responsibility, and using my innate and acquired skills, will help me find a way to the top.  Thank you for helping me see with new eyes.

“The man at the top of the mountain did not just fall there.” (anon)

Namaste,

Dorothy

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Dorothy:  My mantra for the week:  Life’s an uphill climb – drop the rocks!

Susan:  Be careful what you wish for … because you just may get it.  I’ve heard this phrase many times throughout my life and found that it’s very sage advice.  I’m analyzing my “wishes” so that I can determine what parts of them I truly want and need to have a fulfilling life.  When I’m clear about the outcome I’m wishing for, I’ve found my authentic wishes and dreams; my best self emerges and opportunities for fulfilling dreams are easier to recognize and act on.  

Please visit us on Facebook - The 51% Project - and let us hear your thoughts and suggestions.  Give us a thumbs up while there and help us reach of 1,000 "likes" by 4/30!!! Thanks!

Looking for Best Selves

“I see you”

The Na’vi greeting from The Avatar

Since writing about societal obliviousness 3 weeks ago, I’ve increased my effort to give my best to others and notice and acknowledge the best in everyone I meet. I’m finding, for the most part, that I’m getting “best selves” in return. I’ve had some wonderful and surprising encounters and most surprising of all is how many times I’m the benefactor of the kindness of others! Walking downtown, a stranger walking the opposite direction looked me in the eye, smiled, and wished me good morning … that simple interaction boosted my spirits and made me smile. His simple action told me he was happy and willing to share that joy with me. I felt happy when I recently saw a co-worker from another city and he greeted me with a big grin and a warm hug. But, the most surprising and delightful interaction happened this past weekend while I was traveling on business in Boise, ID. I’d arrived in the evening after a rough flight, feeling awful, and with a terrible headache. I went to a small restaurant for a bowl of hot soup before settling in for the night. As I held the door for a couple leaving the restaurant, they told me the restaurant was unable to serve any more food because so many guests were staying to listen to the live music and occupying all of the tables.

This was their first visit to this restaurant and they were clearly disappointed not to be able to eat there as they’d driven some distance for the experience. Instead of being indignant they were calm, smiling, friendly and open. Trying to be helpful, I recommended another nearby restaurant, gave them directions, and suggested they follow me there if it sounded like a good choice to them. They happily agreed and asked if I would like to join them for dinner. I was surprised, but comfortable with them, and curious about why we all came together in the doorway of this tiny restaurant and so I agreed to join them. Our conversation throughout dinner was quick paced, interesting, filled with fun and energy. They are a charming and delight-filled couple who have lived in many cities and have wonderful life experiences which they graciously shared with me (and they both have the most beautiful, sparkling eyes I can ever remember seeing). When we left the restaurant, I felt happy and my headache was relieved. Meeting them reminded me that being open and expecting to meet the best in people improves our lives and I believe I’m a better person because I met Ardi and Les. I will think of them with delight and gratitude always.

Maybe these happy interactions are isolated events, but they seem to be happening with more frequency; or maybe I’m just noticing them more. Maybe this is pay it forward in action. If it is, I feel like I’m the greatest beneficiary of positive action.

SUSAN: Am I having these joyful experiences because I’ve given joy to others? Are they learning opportunities to remind me to interact joyfully with others and give me new ideas about how I can be my best self? Whatever their purpose, they give me renewed faith in the goodness of mankind and I am grateful for them and renew my commitment to look for ways to benefit others, and to be willing to accept the kindness others offer.

DOROTHY: In my quest to “right” my life, to practice putting the 51% Theory to work in making changes I see as necessary, I am learning to accept the idea that I am just human and so, do human things. I make mistakes, I make bad decisions, I judge, I hold anger, I gossip, I __________(fill in the blank). And so there are days – even weeks - in my mostly joyful way of being in the world that still present great challenges. How can I stay in that positive place when confronted with this humanness? I’ve found that resisting the negative feelings or circumstances that arise only intensifies, and often prolongs, the discomfort. But, when I allow myself to feel the anger (frustration, disappointment…..), when I say out loud, “I’m Pissed right now” and acknowledge the presence of these “disturbances “ as part of my humanness and not some glaring, permanent flaw in my character, the thought or situation is less likely to spin me into my ugly twin. Instead of beating myself up for letting down my positive guard, I can now more easily choose to put “it” down and move on. For me, writing is the safety net. I write what I’m feeling, try to determine why, and then put it in a BIG PICTURE perspective, “will it matter 10 years from now, 3 weeks from now, 2 days from now?” Usually, no, and usually that’s all it takes to help me choose not to be a victim of my humanness but to just be in it for the moment and then let it go! It’s working for me. WOW, maybe you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!!!

Enjoy the upcoming week!

Susan and Dorothy

Are you having similar experiences? We’d love to hear how positive action is benefiting you! Please let us know by going to Facebook and searching for The 51% Project. If you enjoy the blog, please “like” us on The 51% Project Facebook page and share our page with your friends and family.

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It’s The Simple Things in Life That Matter

The happiest people don’t have the best of everything

… they just make the best of everything.

Many of you may have seen the video circulating with the message we’ve posted today, but as it is very appropriate to the intent of The 51% Project, we wanted to bring it to our blog this week. You can find the written text below, but be sure to view the video on our Facebook page – and be sure to pass it on!

Life is Like a Cup of Coffee

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. Savor the coffee, not the cups! The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Author Unknown

The 51% Project is about finding joy and happiness in our lives, and passing on those gifts to the people we love and the people we meet. The message of the “Cup of Coffee” story is just the kind of thing we enjoy sharing. Won’t you join us this week as we focus on the wonderful parts of our lives, acknowledging whatever positive outcomes have come from even our most challenging situations. Let’s ask ourselves: Do I find joy in the simple things - the coffee, or is joy elusive because of the trappings - the cups - that contain my life? Let’s make a list of what makes us truly joyful and seek them out! Spring is here – the birds and buds are back – let’s stop and smell the coffee!! If you find, like we have, that they are the small things, we encourage you to look at them more closely and make the best of the simple joys in life.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

We wish you a very happy week,

Susan and Dorothy

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