“Wholeheartedness is a precious gift, but no one can
actually give it to you. You have to find the path
that has heart, and walk it
impeccably.”
~Pema Chodron
“Once you see a pattern, you
can’t un-see it. Trust me, I’ve
tried. But when the same truth keeps repeating itself, it’s hard to pretend
it’s just a coincidence.” And so unfolded a new journey for Brene’ Brown,
PH.D., acclaimed expert on guilt, shame and vulnerability. In the years spent
gathering research in her chosen field, Dr. Brown was surprised to discover new
patterns arising from her research. It seemed that people struggling with even
the most difficult emotions had the capacity to live “amazing, and inspired
lives.” She coined this phenomenon “WHOLEHEARTED LIVING” and, gratefully,
compiled her findings in her insightful, moving, delightfully humorous and very
readable book, The Gifts of Imperfection. (Hazelden Publishing, 2010,
ISBN 978-59285-849-1)
The tenets of Wholehearted
Living will sound familiar to you: Courage, Compassion and Connection, but Dr.
Brown’s new interpretation of these qualities offers us a way to shake loose
from the old, worn-out, somewhat clichéd, definitions we’ve known and form new,
more effective, meaning to their use in our lives. Here are some of my “take-aways:”
Courage: Most often, we think of courage as it
relates to heroic acts: Putting our life on the line, standing in the face of
danger, being strong. But, the
original definition of courage – derived from the Latin cor – for heart, meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s
heart.” People who display what
Dr. Brown calls “Ordinary” courage, are people who put their vulnerability on the line. They are people who live authentically,
who live within THEIR story, not the story someone else has made for them. People with ordinary courage have
learned (or are learning) to BE true to themselves, maintain their own values,
strive to belong vs just fitting in.
People who live wholeheartedly don’t hustle
for their worthiness “by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing and
proving” because they know that their worthiness lives inside THEIR story. What
is your story? Own it; be vulnerable to the good, bad
and ugly of it all. Be courageous,
and say, “This is me, warts and all. I am worthy in spite of my mistakes and challenges, and because of my willingness to speak my mind and tell you what’s in
my heart.”
Compassion: To have ordinary courage
you must also have compassion. Sympathy, empathy, concern, kindness, consideration,
and care are all synonyms of compassion.
I think all of us can attest to practicing at least one of these verbs
in our daily lives. We are kind to
animals, we care for our families, and we have sympathy for those suffering
illness, injustice and pain. Most
of us are compassionate in a greater humanity sort of way. But, how
compassionate are we to ourselves?
More often than not we are self-critical and unforgiving of our
frailties. We tend to hold
ourselves to higher standards than we expect of others, striving for
perfection, which we hope will ward off the “pain of blame, judgment and
shame.” Dr. Brown reminds us that,
“Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as striving to do your bet. Perfectionism
is NOT about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is self-destructive
and addictive. Perfectionism is a
twenty-ton shield we lug around thinking it will protect us, when, in fact,
it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flying.” Claiming to be a
recovering perfectionist, Dr. Brown now calls herself an “aspiring
good-enoughist.” To reach this new and freeing (and a lot healthier)
designation she practiced SELF-COMPASSION with a vengeance. And we must, too,
if we are to live a wholehearted life. Self-Compassion comes from being honest
about our self-kindness. (Find your self-compassion score at www.self-compassion.org.) Some ways
to move toward self-compassion could be: Practice being deliberate about your
self-talk. Expunge words of judgment, measurement, and ridicule from your
vocabulary and replace them with words of kindness and encouragement – the kind
of words you’d use if it were a child or elderly person who just “screwed up.”
Practice being a good-enoughist – sometimes it IS enough to just show up! Practice the Golden Rule - in
reverse…Do unto yourself as you’d do unto others. Be easy on yourself, forgive yourself, and love yourself. Remember, “There is a crack in
everything. That’s how the light gets in.” (Leonard Cohen’ - “Anthem”)
Connection: Dr. Brown defines
connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard
and valued; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the
relationship.” I’m connected. At least that’s what my laptop, I-phone, TV,
Tablet, tells me when I turn them on everyday. But, alas, in this plugged-in, “technology –crazed world,
we’ve confused being communicative with feeling connected.” “I ♥ U,” “U R my BIF,” does not a
connection make. We need face-to-face conversations, we need hugs and
high-fives, and a good old pat on the back to feel seen, heard and valued. And,
we need one another. Recent findings in the fields of biology and neuroscience
“confirm that we are hard-wired for connection and that our relationships shape
our biology as well as our experiences.”
The myth of self-sufficiency, that success means you don’t need others’
help and that going it alone is a
measure of strength, is counterproductive. Research has shown that one of the main factors in living a
happy, and healthy life is a strong sense of community, a sense of belonging to
something bigger than us. Be it family, a network of friends, a spiritual
affiliation, membership on a team, or in an organization or club, even the care
and companionship of a pet – our lives become fuller, happier, less stressful,
when we are connected to others. Society tends to place us in categories; in
this instance we are either givers or receivers, when in fact, we need to be
both. Find your “tribe,” be a giver AND receiver. UNPLUG and find real
connections.
Mary Daly, theologian,
writes, “Courage is like – a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous
acts. It’s like you lean to swim
by swimming. You learn courage by
couraging.” And you learn compassion by compassioning, and connection by
connecting. Practice makes perfect – or at least enough to create a
wholehearted life.
Just do it.
Namaste,
Dorothy
