"Take your life in your own hands and what happens?
A terrible thing: no one is to blame."
Erica Jong
Fellow blogger and remarkable sage, Dorothy Mendoza Row, shared this profound insight recently: “If you are refusing to be happy because of an external circumstance, or the behavior of someone that is not you, then you have given up the responsibility for your life to someone or something that most likely does not want it. To blame someone or something else for your own negative feelings is to bind yourself to stagnant misery, blocking your ability to move forward. If your situation is not changeable, then it is you who must change.”
Haven’t we all, at one time or another, shirked the responsibility of our actions or thoughts or happiness, and laid blame on someone or something else? I am certainly guilty! I can’t even count the number of times the circumstances and outcomes of my life have been branded the fault of my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children, my boss, my teacher, my friend, my government, someone else’s government, the weather, the news, that store, that movie. My stuff handed off to people and things that, as Ms. Row stated, they don’t want, and for the most part, don’t even care that I’ve made them responsible for. How easy it is to give away what we don’t want to face or accept.
This is not to say that outside sources don’t affect us. They do. But still, it is ultimately our choice as to how we will adapt to other people’s actions, or allow other things to influence our own. “It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters,” Epictetus.
When I choose to sit in front of the television watching the same, awful footage of the latest world calamity for hours on end, it is not the newscasters’ fault that I am inpatient with the grocery store clerk; it is my fault for not turning off the TV. When my spouse chooses to decline the invitation to join me on a walk, it is not his fault that I’m “stuck in the house” and behaving badly; it is my fault for either not going by myself or choosing another activity to enjoy – together or alone, and it is my fault for not respecting his decision and making it my unhappiness.
These are examples of the daily blame putting we engage in. Of course, there are bigger, MUCH bigger events and circumstances in our lives that we give or gave cause to someone else’s blame. I didn’t go to college because they…I didn’t apply for that job because he...I gave up the fight because the…I’m in a bad mood because…I was rude because…Feel free to add your own becauses here. Now, go back and fill in the blanks with the REAL REASONS the thing you did or said or thought occurred: Because I didn’t put in the effort, because I didn’t think about what I was saying, because I chose not to fight for it, because he made me feel……
The people and things in our lives must, of course, be part of our considerations regarding the way we are in the world. But the things we do, think and say are a result of how we, and only we, choose to use what we get, the effort or lack of effort we choose to put forth, the decisions we make to be happy or not.
As with all lies, blame placing will spin a web of complicated stories to maintain and justify, for months, years, decades and even lifetimes. But, as with truth, owning the circumstances that make up your life, good and bad, will set you free to clean up the messes and move on, assuring you of more joyful relationships with yourself and others. In our humanness we will all take a wrong turn now and then, the thing to remember is this: choice gives us the opportunity to get it right the next time.
Namaste,
Dorothy
Dorothy: I had a lovely Mother’s Day weekend with family and friends. I hope whatever filled your days was also pleasant. My long-time and very dear friend was visiting with her beautiful daughter and adorable 3-year-old grandson. It was so good to have our families mingling again (those not able to join us were surely missed.) As it is when two old crones get together, there was lots of laughter and lots of gut spilling, and dreams and fears and joys and disappointments to be shared. Oh, the trials and tribulations of ancient relationships and raising children and still, after all these years, the work of trying to figure it all out. What would we do, who would we be without our friends? I was particularly moved by one extraordinary moment: As I sat on the stairs overlooking the mess in the kitchen, the noise in the living room, observing the mostly cherished and sometimes annoying behaviors of our combined families; this wee little boy, far from his familiar surrounds and in the company of people he is still getting know, climbed up on a chair in front of me and said, “I love it here.” He did not see the mess or hear the noise or measure the annoying or cherished behaviors, instead he felt the love we all have for one another – in spite of our human foibles and family baggage – and that was enough to make him feel secure and happy. He loved it here. I vow to try to remember his lesson: People may not remember what you say, or what you do – but they will always remember how you make them feel.
Susan: I’ve spent the past two weeks in paradise with wonderful friends. It’s been a time of indulgence and excess; excess sun, fun, eating, views, and friendly visits. I’ve been so touched by the generosity and love shown to us. Spending this time with people who aren’t family, but who you meant to choose as family, has been inspiring, relaxing, and healing. Dinners without fuss, spent enjoying the food and wine and best of all, the company just can’t be beat. Thank you my dear, dear friends.
Please visit Dorothy Mendoza Row’s inspiring blog: www.mysticalsunshine.blogspot.com
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S & D
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