Saturday, May 28, 2011

We Never Know.................

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
                                                     Hilary Cooper


Last week many of us, myself among them, spent at least a little bit of our time mocking a wiry old man for his doomsday beliefs and predictions.  Then Joplin Missouri was obliterated. And, like the people along the flooded banks of the Mississippi and in Tuscaloosa Alabama weeks before, people in small towns in Oklahoma, Arkansas and Kansas had to start framing their lives in the before and after of great destruction. For these people, the world, as they knew it, did come to an end.

Brought to my knees by the stunning images of the devastation inflicted upon so many, I was also lifted by the amazing capacity of the human spirit. To stand in the midst of the rubble, the bits and pieces of your life scattered for miles around you, and say, “I’ll be okay, I’ll start over,” requires an incomprehensible amount of courage and faith.  I hope it sees them through. To see the men and women of the National Guard, many just back from Afghanistan, there on a different kind of front-line, doing what needs doing; made me again, so thankful for their commitment to our country. The unimaginable stories of survival, sacrifice and kindness, greatly humbled me.

The events of the week have reminded me that life is precious and also fleeting. So, I hope the man and his two children, expecting to be home for dinner, weren’t in too much of a hurry to get to Home Depot to stop and kiss their wife and mother good-bye before they left. And, that the last words of the shopper in line at Walmart were in appreciation of the courtesy provided by the clerk. And, that the nurse, rushing to complete his duties, noticed that the patient in room 102 was feeling lonely and needed just a few more minutes of his time.

As A. C. Grayling points out in his Humanist Bible, “You are an actor in a drama, of which the author is jointly you and matters beyond your control.” We do not know what lies ahead. That, in itself, is reason enough to choose, not out of fear, but out of a consciousness of reality, to make our lives matter, everyday, in every way.

We can choose to be impeccable in our words and deeds. We can pick our battles, practice patience and kindness, make amends….say “I’m sorry,” and “I forgive you,” do the right thing – even when it’s the hard thing, be a dream maker not a dream snatcher, laugh more, judge less, and above all, love one another as if there were no tomorrows.

Be Breathless!

Dorothy

Dorothy:  On this, the 47th anniversary of my sixteenth birthday, I send thanks to my parents, wherever they are, for this life, and to my family and friends for filling it with so much love and joy.

Susan:  The time we spend with those we love, as well as with those who are in love with life is precious.  It’s my intention to continue finding and cherishing friends, old and new, who truly love.  They are the most precious gems.

 On this Memorial Day weekend, we honor our country’s fallen heros, and those who loved them, for their service and ultimate sacrifice.  Let us not forget how much they gave for our freedom, and today, for them, make it matter.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Do You Have a Monkey on Your Back?

A happy life consists in tranquility of mind.
-
Cicero







The grass is lush and green, the trees are in leaf, and the tough and sturdy spring bulbs have bloomed. This is a perfect time to do some space and clutter clearing to lighten up and begin fresh. Clearing closets and drawers makes us feel lighter, and so it is with clearing your mind. It’s easy to collect unnecessary and unwanted thoughts that keep our minds muddled and burdened.

Many of us are good at collecting “monkeys”, or other people’s issues and concerns, pretending we can take control of them and even fix them. These monkeys are burdens.

Do you have a monkey on your back? Does that monkey belong to you, or have you, possibly without meaning to, taken it on from someone else? In 1999, The Harvard Business Review wrote about managerial efficiencies and how many managers take the monkeys from their staff and become bogged down and ineffective. I believe the concept is equally valid in our personal lives.

Like a computer, having our minds constantly ruminating on problems devours memory and leaves us feeling exhausted. And, it’s negative and unproductive. When we feel overwhelmed, we don’t approach our lives from a joyful perspective.

We’ve talked before about the importance of setting boundaries in our lives and understanding what is ours and what belongs to another. In accepting responsibility for our actions and views, we will find freedom to be our best selves. Being our best selves allows us to joyfully care for ourselves as well as others. Our best selves allow us to look at challenges in our lives in the best light. Our best selves give us permission to allow others to carry their own monkeys and us to encourage them, give strength and support without taking their challenges on as our own. This is setting boundaries in a solid and helpful way. Accept permission to not give yourself away when you give your kindness and support to friends and family. Living simply and honestly leaves room for joyful perspective and changing the outlook we have on the world (at least 51% of the time).

It’s a beautiful spring and we encourage you to take time for yourself. Meditate or contemplate what challenges around you are yours to work on and which ones you can give back to those who own them. It’s a perfect time to spring clean yourself and discard what is unwanted, unneeded, and that which isn’t yours.

SUSAN: I’ve taken the opportunity of time away from my usual surroundings to discard some of the monkeys I’d taken on for others. It has been freeing, to say the least! I’ve learned that I’m more resilient than I knew and that the resilience has increased since I’ve given myself permission not to accept responsibility for the actions and behaviors of others. Whew, who knew!

DOROTHY: I find myself in stunned, yet joyful celebration today because in contemplating what challenge of the week I wanted to share this morning, I realized, that besides the weather; which was, INDEED, a challenge for the whole country, I got NOTHIN’! WHAT, me, without a problem??? Who took my life away???? How could it be that I simply ignored the negative dialogue from the woman in front of me in the grocery line? How could it be that I endured 1.5 hrs in my cold garage listening to my wonderful, yet VERY political, handyman’s barrage decrying “my” party's failures, with no more than “hmmmm, and “interesting” from these lips? How can it be that in this rainy, stay inside week, my spouse got to watch TV for ENDLESS hours without the usual “How can you - mind numbing - time sucking – useless blahh, blahh blahh….,” lecture from me? YES, me! Thinking before I spoke, owning my own stuff, letting others own their own stuff, not feeling the need to insert myself into anyone else’s life!!! I’m with you Susan, WHO KNEW????

We wish you a successful and wonderful week!

Susan and Dorothy


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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Getting out of the Blame Game


"Take your life in your own hands and what happens?
A terrible thing: no one is to blame."
                                                 Erica Jong

Fellow blogger and remarkable sage, Dorothy Mendoza Row, shared this profound insight recently:  If you are refusing to be happy because of an external circumstance, or the behavior of someone that is not you, then you have given up the responsibility for your life to someone or something that most likely does not want it. To blame someone or something else for your own negative feelings is to bind yourself to stagnant misery, blocking your ability to move forward. If your situation is not changeable, then it is you who must change.”

Haven’t we all, at one time or another, shirked the responsibility of our actions or thoughts or happiness, and laid blame on someone or something else?  I am certainly guilty!  I can’t even count the number of times the circumstances and outcomes of my life have been branded the fault of my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children, my boss, my teacher, my friend, my government, someone else’s government, the weather, the news, that store, that movie. My stuff handed off to people and things that, as Ms. Row stated, they don’t want, and for the most part, don’t even care that I’ve made them responsible for.   How easy it is to give away what we don’t want to face or accept. 

This is not to say that outside sources don’t affect us. They do. But still, it is ultimately our choice as to how we will adapt to other people’s actions, or allow other things to influence our own. “It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters,” Epictetus.

When I choose to sit in front of the television watching the same, awful footage of the latest world calamity for hours on end, it is not the newscasters’ fault that I am inpatient with the grocery store clerk; it is my fault for not turning off the TV.   When my spouse chooses to decline the invitation to join me on a walk, it is not his fault that I’m “stuck in the house” and behaving badly; it is my fault for either not going by myself or choosing another activity to enjoy – together or alone, and it is my fault for not respecting his decision and making it my unhappiness. 

These are examples of the daily blame putting we engage in. Of course, there are bigger, MUCH bigger events and circumstances in our lives that we give or gave cause to someone else’s blame.  I didn’t go to college because they…I didn’t apply for that job because he...I gave up the fight because the…I’m in a bad mood because…I was rude because…Feel free to add your own becauses here. Now, go back and fill in the blanks with the REAL REASONS the thing you did or said or thought occurred:  Because I didn’t put in the effort, because I didn’t think about what I was saying, because I chose not to fight for it, because he made me feel……

The people and things in our lives must, of course, be part of our considerations regarding the way we are in the world. But the things we do, think and say are a result of how we, and only we, choose to use what we get, the effort or lack of effort we choose to put forth, the decisions we make to be happy or not. 

As with all lies, blame placing will spin a web of complicated stories to maintain and justify, for months, years, decades and even lifetimes. But, as with truth, owning the circumstances that make up your life, good and bad, will set you free to clean up the messes and move on, assuring you of more joyful relationships with yourself and others. In our humanness we will all take a wrong turn now and then, the thing to remember is this:  choice gives us the opportunity to get it right the next time.

Namaste,

Dorothy

Dorothy: I had a lovely Mother’s Day weekend with family and friends. I hope whatever filled your days was also pleasant.  My long-time and very dear friend was visiting with her beautiful daughter and adorable 3-year-old grandson. It was so good to have our families mingling again (those not able to join us were surely missed.)  As it is when two old crones get together, there was lots of laughter and lots of gut spilling, and dreams and fears and joys and disappointments to be shared. Oh, the trials and tribulations of ancient relationships and raising children and still, after all these years, the work of trying to figure it all out. What would we do, who would we be without our friends? I was particularly moved by one extraordinary moment:  As I sat on the stairs overlooking the mess in the kitchen, the noise in the living room, observing the mostly cherished and sometimes annoying behaviors of our combined families; this wee little boy, far from his familiar surrounds and in the company of people he is still getting know, climbed up on a chair in front of me and said, “I love it here.” He did not see the mess or hear the noise or measure the annoying or cherished behaviors, instead he felt the love we all have for one another – in spite of our human foibles and family baggage  – and that was enough to make him feel secure and happy.  He loved it here.  I vow to try to remember his lesson:  People may not remember what you say, or what you do – but they will always remember how you make them feel.

Susan:  I’ve spent the past two weeks in paradise with wonderful friends.  It’s been a time of indulgence and excess; excess sun, fun, eating, views, and friendly visits.  I’ve been so touched by the generosity and love shown to us.  Spending this time with people who aren’t family, but who you meant to choose as family, has been inspiring, relaxing, and healing.  Dinners without fuss, spent enjoying the food and wine and best of all, the company just can’t be beat.  Thank you my dear, dear friends.

Please visit Dorothy Mendoza Row’s inspiring blog: www.mysticalsunshine.blogspot.com

And, don’t forget to “Like” us on our Facebook page, pass along our link if you see fit, and keep coming back.  We so appreciate your support!

S & D

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happiness and Perception

Play grows in the soil of a cheerful heart
Mary Anne Radmacher




How did the happiest people you know get to be so happy? It’s easy to say that they live charmed lives, were born with a silver spoon in their mouth, or have had every advantage, but generally that’s not the case. In fact, typically they are ordinary souls with jobs, aging parents, children, siblings, friends, neighbors, yard work, and the challenges that come with each. They’re pretty much just like the rest of us, except they seem to be happier more of the time. And not just happier, it seems to be a special kind of happy; somehow more deeply felt, more “all over happy” despite the fact that they live in the same world, drive the same highways, and have many of the same experiences as the rest of us.

You notice I said “they have many of the same experiences” as us. It seems that the same circumstance that brings one person to tears and teeth gnashing, only brings on slight discomfort to those in the happiest group. Moreover, they get through the difficulty sooner and move on to more happiness. Now the question is how do they do it?

Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point”, talks about kids born in the first months of the year and their increased odds of becoming exceptional at a sport vs. kids on the same team who were born nearer the cut off date. Because those born earlier in the year are a few months older, they’re bigger, stronger and more coordinated than the kids born in the later part of the year and they’re more likely to be picked for the “A” team and get more attention from the coaches, and more practice time. The more they practice, the better they get and the more they feel special, so they practice more and get even better … practice makes perfect. It doesn’t mean that the kids born later have any less talent; they’re just smaller and tend not to get as much practice as the bigger kids on the team. But, if the smaller kids love their sport and make a conscious decision to be terrific at it and they practice like crazy, they’re going to excel.

My working theory about the happiest people I know is much the same. Maybe they were born to parents with a high happiness quotient and inherited it from them. Or maybe they just didn’t like the way un-happiness looked and felt and decided to be different, to practice finding happiness. Whatever the reason they seem to have made a conscious choice to be happy; it’s their overriding personality trait. They seem to wake up in the morning happy or at least content and work their way to happy as the day progresses.

Practice, practice, practice. The more we practice being happy, the more we increase our ability to find happiness in everyday moments. It doesn’t mean that you’re a Pollyanna or blissfully happy every moment of every day … but maybe it does mean that you’ve learned to take several deep breaths, put on a big smile and your favorite outfit and march out into the day with the overriding intention to be happy … or at least to fake it till you make it.

When I was in high school people told me they liked seeing me in the hall because I was always so happy. It wasn’t because I had a perfect life, or felt like I belonged, or that I was exceptional at any sport or intellectual pursuit, or a member of the “in” crowd; but I do believe one thing was different about me that gave me an advantage. I liked feeling happy; in fact I liked it better than anything else and therefore practiced the outward indications of being happy all day, every day. It worked for me.

We encourage you to practice smiling and finding happiness in the moments of your day. Put on a big smile, even if you feel out of sorts, and see if it makes it easier for you to find joyful moments more easily. We believe it will make a difference. Try smiling at least 51% of the day … never give up, just keep smiling. We believe practicing being happy works, it’s worked in our lives and we hope you’ll find it works in yours, too.

SUSAN: I’ve had a stressful couple of weeks trying to sort out my desires and wishes and I’m still working through my feelings. But, I’m even more convinced that when you let negativity through the filter of your life, you’ll find more negativity around you. I don’t like negativity, it’s depressing and frankly, inconvenient. It takes time and energy away from more pleasant undertakings. So I’m consciously putting on the smile, letting my heart find fun, and moving on.

DOROTHY: I’m practicing being happy this week – and it’s been soooooo easy! A very dear friend is in town, I’ve been finalizing my autumn trip to Nova Scotia with another special friend, my lovely friend and blog partner is warming her bones and soul on the beach, my family is healthy and happy, and THE SUN IS OUT AT LAST!!!! Feel good do good!!! PAY IT FORWARD!!!!

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We hope you have a wonderful weekend with your families and friends and carry that fun through the entire week. Happy Mother’s Day ladies! - Susan and Dorothy

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